Easy Emptiness
by LonelyWinterRose
Summary: There is something wrong with Fili. Can his family and the Company help him before its too late? Or is he already too far gone for any help to reach him? Rated - M - for violence, dark thoughts and attempts and undertakings of suicidal tendencies. Not to be romanticized. Family comfort and angst. Dark themes. Worried and concerned Thorin, Kili & Dis.
1. Prologue

Hey everyone! so there are two more days until my eighteenth birthday so as a b-day present for myself to myself and to / for all of you I have decided to try to post one chapter of each of my stories for all your viewing. Doesn't it just make you happy?! :D

I will also post one or two more stories (this one included of course) so that is also another reward for both myself and all of you. Happy b-day wishes are always welcome. ;D

 ** _On a more somber note . . . . ._**

 _Please keep in mind that I did not write this just for kicks. I only felt that this might be one way to view the responsibility Fili feels and how he might deal with it. Do not romanticize this nor think badly upon it. This is for the support of those who deal with this on a daily basis._

So this story is dedicated to my best friend Victoria who herself struggles with this every day. You are loved and cared for. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. And I will always be here for you. If you are reading this know it is true. Love ya Vicki. 3 3 3

 **WARNINGS** **: _M - rating for violence, dark thoughts and attempts and undertakings of suicidal tendencies._**

 **DISCLAIMER : I do not own any part of "The Hobbit' including it's characters, main story line and anything you make recognize from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. All credit goes to him so sadly I do not own anything. :'( _But happy thoughts for I get to borrow them while I write this! :)_**

Now without further ado here is the story...

Ever at your service,

LonelyWinterRose

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 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 **EASY EMPTINESS**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

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 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 **Prologue**

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He could do it, it would be only all too easy to lift one of his blades and lay the blade on the underside of one of his wrists or the the soft skin of his throat, it would take just a little bit of pressure he was sure, just put a little bit of weight onto the blade and move it across his skin, it would be only all to easy to make a simple deep cut or even a few shallow ones.

It would take just a single second maybe not even that and the world would fade away to dark easy emptiness where he wouldn't have to feel anything or worry about anything anymore.

The thought is tempting, a sinful whisper in his ear, a shadow always in the forefront of his mind, and a dark promise that is perhaps one of the prettiest he had ever heard.

It's never far from his mind and he has caught himself starring at his blades for hours on end contemplating just how simple and easy it would be, the way he would hold one of his blades in hand, what it would feel like to hold the ice cool razor shape blade to his warm skin over his life beating pulse.

Would there be a rush of adrenaline running through his veins? A ringing in his ears? Total silence? Would his heart race in excitement or last minute fear?

Of course he knows that there are other ways, a length of rope, falling from a high up place, breathing in water, taking a trip down a flight of steep stairs, maybe something heavy or hard coming in contact with his head, even eating something from a healers herb stores.

Easy, maybe to easy and too common place. But that can be solved after all there are plenty of dangerous things roaming Middle Earth, Orc's and Warg's being among them along with Goblin's and Troll's and one of them would probably be all too happy to make a go at him.

Then there is just the risk of nature in general, a cave in, quick sand, a rivers under current, lightening, high winds blowing him from a tall cliff, really there are just so many ways to welcome the easy emptiness that he can't decide which to take up on the offer.

A quick slice of a knifes blade to one of his wrists or to his neck would be quick, he really had no desire to choke or drown himself to death, nor to run the risk of taking too long and risking an unwelcome person trying to play hero where they are not wanted.

A battle full of more than enough enemies to over power him wielding mortally dangerous weapons that they carelessly swing about has a nice ring to it but waiting has never been one of his greatest suits though he pretends different and he is not very fond of a great deal of suspense either.

But again he can never just settle on one and be done with it, he is not hesitating or putting anything off, he knows what he wants and wishes for but setting to the path to finally reaching that easy emptiness needs to be as perfect as he can get it.

After all he's been thinking about it all long enough to have already settled on which action to take, and yet, he still finds himself indecisive about the whole business.

He knows what he wants to do and he will do it but he cannot decide how to go about it since it's not like he can just ask someone, he can only imagine how that conversation would turn out.

His mother Dis would tear up weeping at her eldest sons thoughts and he was sure a part of her would die, his Uncle Thorin would have him sent away or worse guarded day and night to ensure he couldn't do as he wished, and his little brother Kili would probably blame himself for his wanting to embrace the easy emptiness.

The only person Fili could think of that he might be able to talk to would be his older cousin Dwalin since he had heard that he had once had thoughts like his own when his Uncle is well into his cups but then again Dwalin is loyal to his Uncle Thorin through and through and so would probably tell him and he would tell his mother and then Kili being the nosy little brother he is would over hear their mother and Uncle talking and everyone would just end up hurt and yelling at each other.

It is something he wishes to avoid at all costs, so no, he couldn't see such a conversation going over well at all.

He's had the thought of taking it upon himself to kick his own bucket while on a hunting trip since it isn't all that uncommon for him to begone several days to a week or two when he goes hunting, only Kili would want to come along and he can't refuse his younger brother anything except for him not seeing him when he chooses to go.

It all comes back to his family and what they would feel when they find out, if they find out, just how far gone he is for them and the world.

His mother Dis is his mother and he would never wish to hurt her, the same goes for his Uncle Thorin who had stepped in to raise him and Kili after their father died, then of course thinking about his mother and Uncle leads to thinking about his little brother Kili who is the last person in Middle Earth who he would wish to hurt or see lose their smile.

He really wished that he didn't care so much about them it would make it easier if he didn't, Mahal knows it would, and he wished that they didn't care so much about him but they do and no matter how much he tries not to it makes him feel guilty about his thoughts of leaving them.

It's an important time for Durin's folk, at least this is what his Uncle has been saying for the past few years, time are moving forward and the winds are changing with its breeze leaning in their favor.

Erebor, that's what his Uncle is talking about when he says such things hes been planning retaking it long enough years decades even and his Uncle plans for him to be in the center of it by his side one step behind him.

To close and nearby to let him fall on his own without stepping in to be the unwelcome hero trying to save his poor sister-son from himself, he thinks darkly blinking his dry eyes and clearing his film covered vision shaking himself from his thoughts with the wake up call of his Uncle and idol depending on him, his heir, and nephew.

Its a sour thought, one that lingers like a poison in his mind, far more deadly than his regular thoughts on pondering his own death.

His Uncles rare smiles and the hard thump of his heavy hand patting his back are what he dreads most, more so than his mother loving hugs and his little brother joy filled laughter.

His mothers love he can deal with breaking, it would crack him too in the process, but he could do it because he is her son and a mother never stops loving their children no matter what they do.

Breaking his bothers Kili's trust and ruining his happy smile and robbing him of his child like laughter would surely destroy him but he could bare it and live with it no matter the pain it might cause the both of them.

But to hurt, to betray, his Uncle Thorin, his father in all but blood and name, his idol and hero, the one he has always looked up to, by abandoning him and not standing by him as his Heir would surely kill him for being a Prince, his Uncle's Heir is ingrained and carved deeply into his very being.

It is what he is no matter how much he wishes he wasn't.

Responsibility. Dependability. Loyalty, Steadfastness. Honor. And yes even Stubbornness in an amount that would see even Durin the Deathless' longevity put to shame are the words that forged his young mind from a babe.

He had always known that being a Prince was to be his path, Mahal himself laid it down and placed the stones himself for his feet to follow just as the duel swords his Uncle gifted him upon his sixtieth naming day were blessed by Mahal when his Uncle forged them for him, his Heir.

But that's all he is, an Heir, a son, a brother, a Prince, that's what everybody else sees him as not Fili. After all how could they when he himself doesn't know who he is?

He really doesn't remember the last time he could say that he was Fili and Fili likes the color blue, or I am Fili and I like to wield my duel swords while I spar with my younger brother, or even "Hello my name is Fili son of Dis daughter of Thror sister-son of Thorin Oakenshield and Heir to the Kingdom of Erebor and it is my pleasure to meet you good Sir's and Ladies.

What the use of stating that he is anything when he does not feel like anything?

Rubbing at his stinging dry eyes he slowly stands up his bones creaking like an old mans as his gets up off the edge of his bed and walks over to the window on the opposite side of the room.

Seeing the bright colors of the coming dawn lighten the sky he realizes that he must have once again stayed sitting on the edge of his bed looking at his blade as if into nothingness thinking all through the night once again, it isn't the first time and glancing down at the bright silver of one of his many knives held in a death grip in his right hand the first rays of the sun shiny through the window glinting off its clean surface he knows that it will not be the last.

He has lost count of how many nights he has passed in row like this but he thinks that it is at least four this time, better than nine but worse than one but that is neither here nor there nor does it even matter he has gone longer days without sleep and the heavy as lead feeling weighing down his limbs is like a familiar friend.

Welcome with open arms and not minded in the least as it lets him know that he is still alive and at the same time that he is dangerously close to having his body so exhausted that he might make a mistake and a blade might cut him purposely on accident instead of purposely on purpose, not that the why, when or how matters anyway.

If felt like his fingers were locked like claws onto the hilt of the knife the digits stiff and unmovable as if hey were fused to the hardened leather, just as his eyes seemed fused to looking at the dancing silver of the five inch blade before flickering to his opposite wrist that flashed with pale creamy skin with even paler pink and silvery lines of old scars and fresh wounds what still had bright red scabs decorating the paleness in stripes of scarlet.

The scars and still fresh wounds were testament of his years of inner struggle, decades really since the pales silver scar on the outside of his wrist was the eldest and he remember quite clearly the day fifty old years ago it was when he first starting carving his life blood to the surface.

 ** _Flash Back_**

 _He'd finally gotten his wish, the thing he had begged and asked for for nearly six years now was finally in his grasp; his first blade!_

 _It wasn't very big or fancy but it felt right in his hands as he looked at the bright polished silver of the five inch blade that jutted out from a simple dark dried and hardened leather covered hilt that had his name runes branded on its haft in Ancient Khuzdul the harsh lines blackened by the fire that put it their just do he could read it._

 _His mother had said to be careful with it while glaring at Uncle Thorin who had gifted it to him probably thinking that he was too young to be able to handle such a weapon - even as small as it is - but his Uncle had only laughed and jokingly said that, "The boy is well and old enough sister. Let the lad be he knows to be careful with it, if he didn't I wouldn't have gifted it to him. Besides I've arranged for Dwalin to begin teaching him how to use it."_

 _Of course he knew why his mother was worried he had always been a little to happy to get rough with his play mates and didn't really know how to control his strength yet, but he was well and old enough to own a blade just as Uncle had said._

 _He was excited to begin weapons training wit Master Dwalin even though it meant that he would have less time to play with Kili, but then again Kili was too young to play with a knife and when mother had him play with his younger brother he always got hurt because he always forgets that he is bigger and stronger than his little brother._

 _It is always dreadfully embarrassing to have his mother scold him for not being gentler even though he had been being as gentle as he was able, especially when sh scolded him in front of hid friends who always made fun of him afterwards for being a baby and a mamma's boy even though he was only two scant years younger than them and they still a bit weaker than him._

 _He also knew that if his friends saw his new blade they would take it from him and probably damage it but he didn't want it to even get the littlest bit dirty. so he was taking it to the place he knew no one lse knew about not even little Kili who followed him everywhere._

 _Since he has always made sure not to be followed or seen by anybody when he goes to his secret hide out he knows that now his new knife will join the his other treasure in the small chest he keeps their so they are safe from nosy mothers and even nosier little brothers._

 _Of course his secret hide out wasn't very secret since it was pretty much in plain sight but he had heard his Uncle say that the best place to hide was in plain sight and he supposed that hiding a place to hide in was as much as the same as hiding one's self so it worked out._

 _It also helped that nobody even came to the old stables since half of it was pretty much falling down, and even though he knew that his mother had called this place unsafe for young children to play in, he wasn't playing in it and since it hadn't fallen down on his head yet it probably never was going to do so._

 _He has just determined that grown ups over react too much with mothers doing double times of the worrying and since he wouldn't become a grown up for at least another sixty years or so he had a long time to not worry until then, at least that was his logic and since Master Balin said that his logic is very sound and very logical he must be right._

 _Ducking behind the last building and looking around him to see if anybody had seen him he darted across the dirt street and into the tall grass on the other side before running right threw it all the while hugging his knife to his chest until he catches sight of the tall burned brown planks of wood that make up one wall of his secret hide out._

 _Ducking under a loose eave and walking inside he goes straight to his own little spot and takes out his little treasure chest from behind a pile of hay that he had brought here handful by handful so he would have a comfy place to sit and lie down should he want to._

 _Opening and smiling at_ his _collection of random knick knacks of string, ribbons, rocks, wood, an old cracked pipe, a few toy warriors with chipped paint, an old rag doll that he found int he forest near by, and an assortment of buttons, clasps and sharp little pieces of glass, metal and flint, he proudly organized them into patterns around his new knife making an incomprehensible design that only he could see._

 _Picking up the knife again and gazing at the shiny blade in wonder he slowly drought the tip of his pointer finger to the tip of the blade to test its sharpness and to wince and jerk in pain as it pricked his skin and a single drop of scarlet welled to the surface part of it smearing on his skin as he quickly drew the blade away from his now cut finger._

 _It stung a little but it didn't hurt as terribly as his mother had made it out to be like then again it was merely a little prick of the skin barely what a thorn would have done to him should he have carelessly gotten tangled in a thorn brier bush again._

 _Shrugging his small shoulders carelessly he brought the blade to the inside of his wrist and carefully with great concentration made a bigger cut about an inch long but deeper than he had planned to cut causing blood to rise from the cut immediately and drip down the curve of his wrist and onto the dusty dirt ground below him._

 _Skewing up his eyes in unexpected pain he quickly dropped the knife onto the ground and pressed down on the wound with his now free hand just as he had been instructed to do should he ever have need to stop some heavy bleeding._

 _Of course he didn't know if this was the kind of heavy bleeding that needed to have the flow of blood stopped but it felt better the longer he pressed on it until their was once again only a slight skin and a pulse every so often that reminded him of the brief pain he had felt with every beat of his heart._

 _Taking his now red painted hand away from his wrist he watched as slowly only a few more drops of blood rose from the fresh cut staining his normally pale skin a brilliant scarlet matching the blood on his palm._

 _It hadn't hurt much wen he first cut himself it had only felt cold but once the blade moved to slice and he withdrew it it started hurting a lot more making him think that his mother was only half right, it hurt but not for a long time like she had told him it would._

 _Seeing such a rare color against his skin had been cool and that his head felt a little light was nice in a strange way but even though his natural curiosity pushed for him to try and do it again he knew that it was probably not wise to make another cut so soon and that it was probably best to get his cut looked at and taken care of._

 _He would of course need to make up a story of how he came by his new cut that didn't involve his new knife or that he had purposefully done it out of mere curiosity since he was sure that the later was a bit morally wrong and the former would get his birthing days present taken away and himself smothered by his mother attention until he couldn't breath._

 _And he had done just that, making sure that his new blade was safe inside his treasure chest before making his way home and telling his mother how he had nearly caught a mouse in the stables while he went to see the ponies only to get cut by a pitch fork while trying to grab it._

 ** _End Flash Back_**

He had been a naive child back then, naive of just how addictive seeing his life blood well to the surface would become and how he would soon after seek the release of his stress of learning to be his Uncle's Heir by cutting open yet another wound on one of his arms and letting himself admire the scarlet on pale white until his head grew cloudy where upon he would tend his new wound and wait for the bleary feeling to fade away so he could go through the ritual again.

And it was a ritual for him.

Every time his stomach started turning in anger or frustration at his lesson to become his Uncle's Heir or when ever he got in an argument with one of his family and even after he gets done sparring he sneaks off to his room and sometimes his old hide out and takes his first blade from its sheath on his belt and he makes another cut letting his stress and anger bleed out with his scarlet life blood.

Walk way, hide, take out knife, bare arms, place blade on skin, cut, pull out of new wound, hold pressure, when bleeding stops move up an inch and cut again as many times as it take for all his rage and stress and every other feeling he feels fade away leaving him with a bleary slow moving head on the edge of the easy emptiness, then when he is sufficiently dizzy and numb clean the new wounds, bandage them and repeat.

Watching his pale skin get over taken with pale pink and silvery scars like a beautiful tapestry never ceases to amaze him on at least one level.

He knows that he is not perfect, far from it, after all its point that becomes clearer to him every day, but when he looks at his scarred arms he thinks that they are both roof that he is imperfect and a way to make his once blank skin beautiful.

His thoughts are twisted, he knows this, has known it for a long time now, he is sure as Mahal is his creator that his thoughts of finally claiming the easy emptiness he so yearns for and his decades worth mutilated scarred skin certifies him for not being normal.

If it wasn't for his blasted sense of duty towards his family and people he would have already brought about taking care of his little deliberation and even now day by day that noble sense of duty was fading being erased out by his own want and desire to see more scarlet upon white cream skin painted in silvery lines, enough of his blood welling to the surface for there to be no doubt that the easy emptiness would claim him body, soul and mind in mere moments.

Was it so bad for him to want something for himself for once?

All his life he has been pushed and shoved into being somebody everyone else wanted him to be and doing what everyone else wanted him to be, so was it all that strange for him to want to choose something for himself for once?

He was a smiling loving son for his mother that never raised his voice and was soft spoken with words of polite wisdom coming from his mouth when he did get put on the forefront to give his own opinion that wasn't his own opinion at all but what everyone one else wanted to here from him.

To his little brother Kili, he was happy and joyful with a mischievous streak large enough to circumference his own, a older brother to look up to, a role model, the apple of his younger brothers eye and the center of his whole world.

And to his uncle Thorin he was the quiet dutiful silver tongued Heir he had always wished for, skilled with wielding duel swords and a good enough warrior to beat even the great Dwalin, perfect to no fault whatsoever.

But he was none of those they were just a mask, a farce that he cloaked himself with so no one would truly worry about him when in truth he was really nearly too far gone for anyone's words to get through to him.

Prying his fingers from the hilt of his knife and setting the blood covered blade on the window sill he walked over to his bed side table and the bowl of slightly pink water it was filled with to clean the not dry crusted blood off his fore arms.

Seven new cuts of various depths and lengths decorated his already scar and scab covered forearms with three cuts on his right and four on his left.

Dipping his hands in the cool water and gently brushing his wet hands over his dirtied skin cleaning off the dried blood he takes a moment to admire the darkening pink tinged color of the water in the bowl and how drops of the water caught on the hairs of his arms and the slightly raised puffy scars and barely healed cuts as they gave off faint glitters of light like small diamond in the morning light seeping through his room.

His eyes were burning from not blinking as the drops drew together and slowly ran in thin streams down his forearms to his hands and into the now dark watery pink water in the bowl so he dried his hands to rub at them again feeling the gritty crusts at their corners made from sleep being wasted all night.

The lacking of sleep is a normal occurrence and the feeling of burning and itching dryness in his sleep deprived eyes is quite normal for him just as the heavy lead like feeling dragging in his limbs is, familiar and welcome promising a faint whisper _something_.

He never knows just what the _something_ is but it always leads to compelling himself to dress and wrap his new wounds before his brother or mother came in to wake him for the day.

Finishing wrapping a white length of bandage around each of his forearms he pulls on a clean long sleeved dark blue almost to the point of black shirt making sure that the white of the bandages is unseen before making his way back over to the window and picking back up his night and placing it in its sheath at his hip without bothering to clean it.

Normally he would not let any of his blade go uncleaned or cared for but today is one of the days that he feels not a care for anything except maybe just looking at the sun.

And that just what he does, standing at his window looking out at the brightening sky unaware of time as is passes and uncaring of just how long of a time passes, its just him and the sun and the faint numb tingles of pain that echo in his forearms with every pulse.

He stands there in silence going over his thoughts the pads of his fingers stroking the hilt of his sheathed knife in a gentle caress completely deaf to the sound of the door to his room opening and his brother softly calling his name...

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So tell me what you think. Like it? Love it? Hate it?

Leave a review or two.

Again this story is for my best friend Victoria who is the best friend I have ever had she is like a sister to me and though it hurts to see her hurting I will support her no matter what happens.

Ever at your service,

LonelyWinterRose


	2. Something's Wrong

Hey everyone! Here is the second chapter to Easy Emptiness sorry I haven't been able to post any chapters to any of my stories lately I've been really busy with school, life, volunteering, life, etc. you know the norm lol.

For this chapter I wrote it in Kili's point of view and I have tried to put the feelings of just how much he and everyone else look up to and how they see Fili on a daily basis, or rather they see what they want to see. I put in a couple hints as to what Fili is going through but I think that ignorance really _is_ bliss for these characters and I wanted to build up the pedestal —for a lack of better words— that they hold for Fili so that they are even more surprised when they find out just how far gone Fili is later in the story.

 ** _On a more somber note . . . . ._**

 _Please keep in mind that I did not write this just for kicks. I only felt that this might be one way to view the responsibility Fili feels and how he might deal with it. Do not romanticize this nor think badly upon it. This is for the support of those who deal with this on a daily basis._

So this story is dedicated to my best friend Victoria who herself struggles with this every day. You are loved and cared for. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. And I will always be here for you. If you are reading this know it is true. Love ya Vicki.

 **WARNINGS** **: _M - rating for violence, dark thoughts and attempts and undertakings of suicidal tendencies._**

 **DISCLAIMER : I do not own any part of "The Hobbit' including it's characters, main story line and anything you make recognize from J.R.R. Tolkien's works. All credit goes to him so sadly I do not own anything. :'( _But happy thoughts for I get to borrow them while I write this! :)_**

Now without further ado here is the story...

Ever at your service,

LonelyWinterRose

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 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 **EASY EMPTINESS**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_** ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

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 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

 **Chapter One : Hurt**

 ** _~o~oOoOo~o~_**

Kili knew his brother heart and soul, or at least that is what he likes to think. But the truth is that though they have been together since the day he was born he still does not understand half of what he would like to about Fili.

They were so different not only in looks where he was all dark eyes and hair and Fili with hair like the sun and eyes like precious gems but also in temperament because where he was rash and quick to not think of the consequences of his actions his brother never did anything without thinking it through all the way meaning he thought out every angle and step and any and every repercussion his actions might be faced with in the end.

If Fili was all light and sun and day then he was dark and moon and night, reckless to a fault — a point his family has pointed out many times — where his brother is calm and collected at all times, controlled with a steady firm grip, a feature that he has always admired but is unable to replicate.

His brother was able to temper him like a burning flame did to steel, he cooled his temper like water cools a finished sword just as it always had been and will always be.

He had no doubt that his brother could do anything he put his mind to, after all he had relentlessly proved that he could do what was thought impossible by others time and time again so if he wanted to swim the length of the great sea, travel across the whole of Middle Earth standing on his hands, or climb to the top of the tallest of the Blue Mountains peaks then jump off and fly he was sure with his whole being that if anyone could do those things, Fili could.

There was nothing that phased him or made his patience and calm presence slip from his steel forged control not even in thick of fighting with words or his swords both of which he wielded like a second part of his body to a deadly extent always with the intent to win and never fail has he ever lost his head in the heat of rage and stubbornness that seemed a fated characteristic that was found in everyone in the line of Durin.

He admired him, looked up to him and knew his brother like the back of his own hands, like the sureness that each of his arrows would always hit their marks but even he did not understand the shadowed gleam that sometimes appears in his eyes or the dark frown that slips from a smile taking over his face when no he thinks nobody is looking.

But he is always watching his brother and no matter how much he knows Fili wants to disappear and find his own space sometimes his very presence of being in the same room with other people draws their eyes to him.

How can they not look at his brother when he shines like the very sun in the sky? How can they ignore the smiles that grow wide and take over his whole face or the half grins and knowing smirks that all the lasses and some lads can't help but fall for?

His brother is perfect in his eyes just as he is in everybody else's and yet at the times the shadows take over his eyes and the frowns his mouth, he gets a gut wrenching feeling in his stomach and a gnawing whisper in the back of his mind that something is bothering his always smiling and happy brother.

But then the look is gone the next second and he pushes the heart dropping feeling away shaking off his thoughts because he could only have imagined such a look over coming bright as the sun Fili's face.

And when the look lasts longer than a few scant seconds making him sure that he hadn't imagined it this one time he once again pushes the feeling and thoughts away because looking at the darkening circles under his brothers eyes he thinks that they are the cause of the look.

He passes it off as his brothers own unique way of showing his growing exhaustion caused by late nights of studying and even longer days of working in the forges alongside their Uncle Thorin, yet more studying that is required of him to learn to be a good Heir and the grueling task that is sparring with their older cousin and weapons instructor Dwalin seeing as it is only Fili and Uncle Thorin that truly challenges the Weapon's Master and most of the time their Uncle is busy and Fili needs to relieve the stress of the day and so spars with him instead even though he may be tired from a long day filled with endless work.

Exhaustion, that's what it is, it has to be, nothing else could be the cause of the heavy listless looks and dark circles that grow darker each day. At least this is what he tells himself as his mother sends him to wake his Uncle and brother.

As always he saves waking his Uncle for last knowing that he doesn't usually take as long to wake up though he certainty is moodier while Fili usually just needs to be told that it is time for breakfast since he rises with the sun.

He heard his mother once say jokingly that the reason her eldest son rises with the sun is because he is a part of it, their own little piece of the sun to shine for them on the ground, he also heard Balin once say that his brother had been blessed by the sun herself, why else would his hair be so in likeness to it?

He of course knows that logically neither could really be true but he believes that Fili could be both, that is if anyone could be part of the sun and blessed by it.

No, usually all he needs to do it knock on his brothers door and tell him that the morning meal is ready. He was once jealous that his brother had gotten his own room away from him and out of the room they had shared when he started his weapons training but though he missed sharing a room with his brother it had been quite crowded as they got bigger and though his brother wakes with the sun it does not mean that he is a morning person.

Much like their Uncle, Fili is moody in the morning or well maybe the correct way to explain it is that he is quieter than usual and has a tendency to glare intensely at both people and inanimate objects should they do anything to interrupt his silence before he wants to speak or if they get in between him and his breakfast.

He had once witnessed his brother glaring heatedly and scowling darkly at his own chair when they were younger when he found that it had been broken and he was unable to sit in it to eat his breakfast, latter that day said chair found itself in no less than fifty separate splintered pieces burned in places and dumped unceremoniously in front of their house.

He had suffered under his brothers glare enough times to learn not to get in his way in the mornings because for him there was nothing worse than Fili glaring at him as if he wanted to take their sparring to the next level and run him through, then cut him into pieces like he did the chair and burn him — like aforementioned chair — and then dispose of his body in a place people could see him so everyone would know not to get in between him and his breakfast.

It was terrifying when Fili set his glare on you, not only did it make the person it was focused on feel smaller and more insignificant than an ant but also it was as if he were looking into your soul and judging you with the verdict always being a more or less figurative death.

He had seen Dwarrow's twice his older brothers age cower under his rage filled glare when they were sparing with him saying latter that "It was like Thorin's Heir was marking them as the enemy, as prey and he the predator, a being worse than Orc's that he cared not one wit about wiping from the earth in the most brutal way possible."

Fili the Lion is what some called him, and the title made him proud of his older brother because he knew just how he earned that name.

He was terrifying and fierce when he fought, his duel swords becoming like elongated claws attached as one to his forearms, a true Lion, and he could not lie and say that he did not fear his brothers battle skills he would be a fool if he said otherwise and though he is reckless he is not a fool regardless of what some people might think of him.

Fili had fought the monsters under his bed and helped him slay the stuffed dragon Smaug when they were younger, he fought on his behalf when his bullies went too far and always defended him with his silver words that could be just as deadly as his swords when he had wanted to learn to use the bow which was considered an Elvish weapon.

He was afraid of his brothers weapons skills but he was NOT afraid of _Fili_. He made him nervous when his silences carried on longer than was his usual and when he knew his brother was disappointed in him or was angry that he had done something he had been told not to do but the worst he ever was dealt physically by his brother was endless tickles when they were younger and perhaps a cold silence or a firm cuff of his brothers hand to the back of his head.

If risking his brothers grumpy morning moodiness and the head cuff that always came with it was the the most he was ever faced with when it came to his brothers displeasure with him then he counts himself among the lucky few who could get away with less than large bruises and more than few cuts on various body parts.

When his brother got mad he didn't rage and yell and take his anger out on anyone nearby him, no, they way he lapsed into a cold bitter silence left the air around him frigid with cold and while his face became an empty emotionless mask his bright blue eyes grew dark with a building silent burning fury making his anger far worse than anyone else's even their Uncle's who's anger was like a thunderstorm in full motion where as Fili's is the calm before the storm only to break into a fire storm burning and hard and nearly impossible to put out until it has run its course, lightening and thunder add pressure and then rain and snow and biting sleet all together with the force of a landslide and avalanche that goes round and round in an endless cycle like a tornado.

To see the brewing storm stewing just beneath the surface of his skin was bad enough to scare you half to death but the coldness of his voice that held no sign of his inner fury in it and the way his calm bitter cold laced words told you just how displeased you have made the usually reserved and collected Heir was worse than if he had lashed out like everyone else in his position would have.

And the worst part is how you just _feel_ disappointment in yourself, growing to startling levels because you disappointed Fili son of Dis.

Yes, he was lucky to be one of the few that could go without his older brothers glare being trained on him if he angered him it was more like he got the feeling that his brother only tolerated him for the period of time he was angry at him.

Although for him it was almost worse than if he had gotten the cold words and fury filled glare, he could deal with the curt words and the closed off expression that shut off the feelings he would normally have been able to read from his brother open smiling face.

Coming out of his thoughts he blinks in surprise at the dark brown wood of a door in front of his face realizing that he has been standing in front of his brothers bedroom door thinking instead of waking him up and telling him that breakfast is ready.

Shaking his head at his blunder thinking that if Dwalin had witnessed his laps in awareness _he_ would be forced to spar with the Weapon's Master instead of Fili or Uncle, and he knew that he didn't even stand a chance going up against their giant, bald and tattooed cousin.

Knocking gently on the door he pauses as usual to hear one of Fili's two normal responses of _"I'm up and I will be down in a minute Kili."_ or _"Yeah? Come in."_ Only even after a few minutes he hears nothing not even his older brothers light snores.

Confused at his brothers lack of usual grumpy response he knocks on the door again harder not wanting to enter Fili's room if he hasn't been given permission to, remembering all too clearly what happened the last time he had done that even going as far to wince slightly and hold back his hand from reaching up and rubbing at his right temple where a small scar can still be seen.

Needless to say, Fili had just started his weapons training and the new set of dagger their Uncle gave him were a favorite of his. The fact that Fili was gifted with blades of all sizes and makes was a given that he hadn't thought of at his young age thus his stupidly barging into his older brothers room only to get a dagger thrown at his head, he had just been lucky that his brothers aim hadn't been as good as it currently was now back then.

Hearing yet again no response to his second knock he weighs the good versus bad in his head before deciding that he is more afraid of his mother than his brother mostly because if he doesn't get Fili up now his mother will most likely make him wait to eat until his older brother does and he likes his breakfast just fine without the waiting.

Taking a deep breath he knocks on the door again and tentatively opens it just wide enough for him to peer inside but closed enough to offer some cover if his brother gets dagger happy again calling out a soft questioning _"Fili? Are you up?"_

Looking into the room his eyes as always are first drawn tot he bed only to see it already made and looking as if it hadn't been slept in at all though it must have since he knew that the large amount of exhaustion his brother had piled on him would have made even the strongest of warriors need to sleep at night, his brother was just very good at making a bed.

His eyes skip over the night table and the bowl of slightly discolored water in it pushing the odd pinkish color off as a trick of the morning light coming from the window and look over at the window somehow knowing that his golden haired brother would seek out the view of the morning sun just as he always does when they go on hunting trips.

He also knows how his brother can lose track of time and become deaf to the world when he looks out at the morning light spreading over the land around him, he's been ignored by him enough times during such instances to know this and so isn't truly surprised to see the silhouette of his brother standing in nothing but his breaches and a dark blue black long sleeved shirt his feet bare and his hair only slightly mused its braid still intact and neat enough to go without needing to be rebraided today.

His brother may have been an inch and a half shorter than he was, but Fili was stronger and had a sturdy work hardened build with muscles built up from working as a black smith alongside their Uncle and the weapons training he has gone through everyday for the last sixty something years.

There is no way anyone could get the two of them confused even if they were severely drunk because his brother looked every inch of the Dwarven warrior Prince he was while he was gangly and long limbed at most, better suited for speed and agility with his slim build than strength and veracious head on attacks his brother and other more commonly stocky Dwarves were built for.

Fili looked like a true Dwarf and Heir of Durin and the way the mornings sun light was shining in the window lighting up his golden blond hair like a mixture of the sun and gold itself the slight breeze from the open window blowing in and gently moving his mane the sunlight outlining his body, he was reminded yet again just why everyone thought Fili was so much like a Lion, regal and noble and proud and fierce even when he wasn't moving.

He almost didn't want to interrupt this scene, feeling as if the morning itself was basking under his older brothers gaze but he knew that his mother was expecting the both of them down stairs for breakfast and the way his eyes caught Fili's hand stroking the the sheath of his favorite knife on his hip made him uncomfortable for some reason along with the fact that his brother still hasn't noticed him being in his room at all when normally he would have is just going further to make him feel a growing sense of unease.

Something wasn't quite right and he couldn't put his finger on it, the way his brother doesn't react to him even as he starts calling his name softly just makes him feel as if something is off with his brother, something other than his usual morning moodiness. But he tries not the think on it too overly much and so pushes it from his mind to maybe -not probably- come back to think on it later.

Approaching him cautiously eyes on the small knife that is less than an inch away from his brothers sure fingers he gently calls his brothers name again and shakes his shoulder slightly only to have to duck quickly as his brother turns around and swipes at him his knife in his hand the silver of it glinting in the sun light dried red marks of recently spilt blood stains on it Fili's normally clear deep bright sky blue eyes clouded over an a shade darken than they would normally be, the slash of the sharp blade nearly taking a chunk out of his ear as it is since he was lucky to have been prepared to duck in time for that to happen.

Even knowing that he was unharmed his heart beat is still pounding heavily in his chest as his breath comes in fast his brown eyes blown wide as his brothers body quickly stiffens and his eyes shake off their previous glazed over look as if he just realizes that he had just taken a swipe at his younger brother.

He tries to smile reassuringly as he sees a look of horror spread across his brothers face though he knows that its more than a little bit wobbly since he is still stuck half ways between shock that his own brother had almost drawn his blood and surprised that he had caught his brother so unawares that he had felt threatened by his presence, the later of which is really ridiculous since he knows that he doesn't look very threatening at all, more like a puppy in Dwarf form as his Mother always says and is little threat to his more weapon trained brother.

Still he keeps his questionable smile on his face as he slowly approaches his brother, takes the knife out of his hand and puts it back into its sheath even as Fili just stands there still as stone looking at him in the eye his mouth moving as if he wants to say something, staying silent all the while knowing that just like the few other times before his older brother needed time to let things sink in then he will be back to his moody morning self including the grumbling, glaring, cuff to the head, and silent but swiftly eaten breakfast followed by him heading off to the smithy with their Uncle to work for the day.

Taking his eyes away from his brother to see where he is putting the knife since he doesn't want to end up stabbing him just because he got caught up in trying to reassure his brother with his eyes he pauses ever so slightly and blinks in surprise at the crusted red of blood on the blade of his brothers knife.

Confused as to why there would be blood on one of his brothers prized knives when he would normally be likely to kill somebody and cut off his own arm if they are not polished, sharpened, and in top condition he pushes the thought away to come back to latter knowing that even if he would ask his brother latter he wouldn't give him an answer but instead dance around it and somehow turn it around and redirect it without him knowing only to never come back to it again. In other words it is beyond pointless to bring up a subject that he knows his brother won't answer to if he doesn't wish to talk about it, one would have better luck trying to teach fish and pigs to fly or trying to make Dwalin wear a frilly pink dress while having a tea party with an Orc.

Placing the knife back in its sheath he steps back and looks his brother in the eye wincing internally at their storm cloud color, blood shot whites, and dark shadows under them even noticing his slightly sunken cheeks, tensed furrowed brow that makes him look even more like their a Uncle Thorin than usual, and slightly strained and pinched underlying expression on his face all of it no doubt caused by the extra strain his older brother has been put through as their Uncle's Heir.

Making a note to tell his Uncle to let up on his brother a bit and to try and bully Fili into resting more and pushing himself less no matter how hopeless the first really is since he has tried to get his brother to rest more and stop pushing himself so much before with little to no results and he doubts that doing so again would work any better this time than it had the first time.

No, the only way he will get his brother to get the sleep he so obviously needs is to inlist his mother to help him since no one not even their Uncle Thorin dares to go up against her and he is their Mother's older brother and their peoples King.

Deciding that seeing as his brother has yet to speak and break from his shock he would just go a head and give him some space knowing that that would probably be best he takes another step away from Fili and backs away slowly towards the door still uncertain if he wants to risk being on the wrong end of one of his brothers daggers again he merely quietly tells him that breakfast is ready and that their mother wants him downstairs before their Uncle wakes up before making his way out of the room entirely.

Closing the door behind him and breathing deeply resting his back against the closed door feeling shaken as his heart thumps heavily in his chest feeling as if he had just run a great distance Kili looks down at his feet his legs feeling weak as he suddenly remembers the oddly tinted water and blood stained knife wondering if they are somehow connected but not knowing —or willing to try and figure out— how they are connected.

Pushing himself off his brothers door not wanting to be caught by Fili when he comes out of his room he makes his way down the hall to his Uncle's room his thoughts turning and twisting in his head early giving him a headache.

With his thoughts jumbled and his body just going through his daily motions he can't help but think just one thought, ' _I don't know what it is but somethings not right, somethings wrong with Fili.'_

* * *

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Ever at your service,

LonelyWinterRose


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